First Date 101 -- Advice For Men Who Are Out of Practice

First, some review:
A Date is not the same thing as a "hookup."  Google "hooking up" or "how to score with chicks" and have fun scarring some guy's sister or mom for life if that's what you want. By all means read on if you're wondering how to impress and romance a really great woman with whom you'd like to share your life.
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Not that guy? Great. Now that we've excused the users and jerks, I will tell you the Basics of Dating In America.

This tutorial is for men who have either never really gotten the hang of Dating Women, or those who are back "in the game" after a long hiatus -- possibly due to divorce (after a long marriage), widowhood (I am sincerely sorry for your loss), or the breakup of a long-term relationship.

Let's assume that you have either A) met her in person, and thought "Wow, she's great," or B) met her on the dating site and already had coffee or a drink with her, and thought, "Wow, she's great." If she's leaning toward you, listening to you, laughing, smiling, Not Texting or taking calls from her friends, then chances are she might just be into you. Don't let her get away. Ask her out. DO IT. Just say, "Hey, would you like to maybe go to dinner, even a movie, maybe next Friday or Saturday?" If she's into you and already has plans, she'll make it happen. If she's not into you, she will (probably) be nice and let you down easy. Don't be bummed for life. Sometimes things just don't click. Be a gentleman about it. Be debonair.Tell her some guy will be truly lucky to be with her someday. She might tell one of her friends that she met this really cool guy, and he was a total doll and a gentleman, and next thing you know, she's fixed you up with the Perfect Girl.
Moral of the story: Being a great guy who goes for what he wants with charm and grace will get women on your side, and make your life GOOD.

Let's say you've met her and you are not into her. Don't lead her on. I repeat: Do. Not. Lead. Her. On. Let it go. She may be good in the sack, but she is a PERSON and someone's daughter, sister, mom, employee. Just let her move on and pursue happiness. Men have enough grief trying to live down the "jerk" stereotype. Don't make things worse. Wait for the one who really zings your strings, makes you think, "Wow, she could be the one!" When you do meet her, you'll have good habits and attitudes, and a good ethic behind you. She can feel your vibe. Women have uncannily strong intuitive powers. If you have waited for her, been nice to women, she'll pick up on it, and be ready for that first date.

So now you've met this nice woman. She laughs at your dumb jokes. She smiles and says nice things to you. She's pretty and sweet, and you feel kind of tongue-tied (in a good way) around her. You've asked her out. She said yes. It's Date Night. What next? Follow the following advice.

1. Dress nice. Really! If you don't know (or don't care) what that means, ask a female relative or friend whom you believe to be up on the current styles and trends. Buy a nice shirt and slacks if you don't have any. Get a hair cut -- even if your hair is long and "grunge," if you are some kind of rocker and rebel, have it styled. Don't you dare show up looking as though you didn't give a shit what she sees. We're not making friends, here. We're talking about ROMANCE, and that means looking as good as you can. Have a daughter, a sister, a female friend assess your look and help you exploit your good points (while downplaying your not-so-great features).

2. Rehearse some funny and cute anecdotes from your life. Making "small talk" is critical, and many guys just don't know this. She does not know you, doesn't know your life, has never met your family and friends. Tell her interesting things about what's going on with you. NEVER -- and I mean never -- tell her, "I'm just a boring guy," or the equivalent. If you make no effort to entertain her, to woo her, to make her smile, then she will assume you do not value her company. You'll never see her again.

3. STOP thinking "Oh, she's going to sleep with me on the first date, and if I keep liking her, I'll just have someone to fuck whenever I want to." If that's all you are thinking about (and I do understand it's what you can't help thinking about), then you must go back to Jerk Land whence you came, and leave this nice person alone. There are many, many bimbos in America who will "do you" and walk away. Find them. Enjoy them. Leave this nice girl alone. She's not for you.

4. DO think about impressing her. If she really is the terrific person you are into, she will be excited when you make reservations at a great new restaurant, when you send her flowers, when you do something creative that specifically speaks to her interests and passions. You really need to trust me on this: if she's the one, if she truly falls in love with you, there will be infinite days, weeks, years in which you'll get a pass for being sloppy, rude, thoughtless, tired, careless, or forgetful. She'll love and forgive you as you will love and forgive her. But this is not the time to be tired and sloppy. If she's The One, she'll laugh and smile, she will be so happy when you TRY. But if you act as though dinner is just about the food, or if she feels as though you see talking with her as a chore, she will go *poof* and never tell you why.

5. DATE NIGHT PUNCTUALITY: Show up on time. Leave early and drive around the block a bajillion times if that is what it takes. If you're running late, call her, but that's going to lose you some man-points. You really should plan to be early. But don't actually show up too early. It will make you look desperate, and piss her off (we do like to push the hair and make-up to the last minute). Give her a break. It's not rocket science. Think of it as a Job Interview-- you want the job of being Hers.

6. DATE NIGHT CHIVALRY: Practice chivalry. If you are awkward with things like opening car doors, pulling out chairs, helping a woman with her coat, PRACTICE with some of your family or female friends. They will think it's charming and cute, and you'll get many brownie points with the women in your life for stepping up your game. When the big night comes, use a little good-humored bravado. Let her know you've got the whole White Knight thing down, and if she pulls a feminism on you, just smile and say, "Very well. I was taught to be a gentleman... but I do like a Strong Lady!"

7. DATE NIGHT MAGNANIMITY: Get the check. No, really. If it doesn't work out, then all you've invested is dinner, drink, movie (or whatever). If you can't afford that -- then WTF? Get a fucking job and man up first. It's not a fortune, it's just a stupid meal and show (or whatever). Don't wait for her to offer to pay her way--- YOU asked HER out! If she is that terrific person you think she is, she will eventually insist that you share entertainment expenses. But this is the beginning: if you want her, woo her. And for christ's sake do NOT bitch or whine about service, menu prices, or theater tickets. She'll NEVER go out with you again if you make her feel as though you've "put out" too much for the pleasure of her company. (Also, she doesn't want to date losers and anyone who bitches about prices during a date is a total loser).

8. PAY ATTENTION TO HER: Honestly, if you do everything else right and then forget to actually LIKE her, she's gone. Listen to her little stories. She has probably forked out more money than you know, to buy jewelry, perfume, clothes, shoes, and matching accessories to impress you (and everyone who sees you together). Compliment her shoes, tell her she looks great. If you think she's pretty, TELL her. If you like being with her, TELL HER. If you are really attracted to her... LET HER KNOW. But in a classy way, of course. If she stands close, lets you hold her hand, tips her head toward you, then maybe.... just maybe.... you should kiss her.

9. THANK HER: Let her know that spending time with her this evening was wonderful. Kiss the back of her hand like a cavalier, and if she gives you all the right body language, kiss her firmly but politely on the lips (NO TONGUE). Hold her for a moment, then tell her you had a nice time. DO NOT say "I'll call you" if you are not going to. If you ARE going to call her, do it the next day. Otherwise, she will move on, and wear her expensive perfume, her darling shoes, her pretty blouse to the movies with someone else.

OK, that's all for now. Get with the program, guys. We KNOW some of you are just out for jollies and want to get laid, and we also KNOW that there are women who want that, too. Find each other. Be happy in your fun.

BUT... those of us who are just nice girls who want to find nice guys -- we want the romance. We want classy, fun, and endearing. We are looking for sweetness and love, not blundering crap.

More later. Feel free to consult for more advice if you are the guy who wants to really find something great.

TV Actress Fail

Dear Mary McCormack and Piper Perabo,

Please stop a) overacting, and b) talking so fast.

First, the overacting. Both of you are vastly talented. Both of you have the one thing 99.99% of professional actors in the world would trade their souls for and will never get: you have the lead role in a popular weekly TV series. And furthermore, you have well-written, interesting lead characters to play. No, really. Most of the "good girl" characters in television are excruciatingly hard to play because they are such goody-two-shoes, middle-of-the-road, prettyfaced, exposition-blathering mannequins (realize I'm talking about the characters, not the actors*) whose most interesting character trait is their cleavage. Frankly, I marvel at the professionalism it takes people like Mariska Hargitay, Marg Helgenberger, Jorja Fox, Sasha Alexander, and Michaela Conlin to pull it off. No really, these are amazing women who deserve the big paychecks just for finding ways to bring dignity to the "polysyllabic hottie" role. But also they know what most male actors figure out a lot quicker than female performers: projecting power means rootedness, calm, and stillness, not leaning into the camera or your fellow actor's face with crazy eyes and tightened vocal cords (think Mark Harmon and Chris Noth). Helgenberger especially has an understated swagger and solid stance, both of which convince viewers that she not only believes women have power, but she just plain knows it.

So, please realize that jutting your chin, bulging your eyes, and hissing in peoples' faces are not powerful -- in fact these things are just the opposite, and if the director doesn't know it and correct you, then you need to correct yourself. Powerful women don't strain their necks, sputter, and blink at people. Piper, Kari Matchett would probably be a good influence if she weren't so concerned with how the light and camera angles affect her profile; and unfortunately, your bad habits in front of the camera seem to be actually  rubbing off on Anne Dudek. That's not good. And Mary, all the good stuff that worked with you and Josh Malina during your time on The West Wing seems to have disappeared in a cloud of "Who the hell is this Mary Shannon Character, I don't know, but it's a lead role, so I'll just take it and act manic, use bad timing, completely forget to move, speak, or try to think like an actual government agent, and maybe that will get me through today's shoot."

So stop the overacting, both of you. You are better than that. When the director says "More," don't tense up and do stupid amateur things... just dig deeper and really care about who and what your character is, dammit. Gabrielle Anwar gets away with it because her character is actually kind of crazy and also because she has bothered to learn how to handle weaponry and make us non-experts believe she is Fiona. And also, her elocution is better than yours, even when she's using a heavy accent. Which brings us to the next piece of Valuable Free Advice.

Second, the fast-talking. Yes, I know you have reams of exposition to babble through. Yes, I know the pace must be kept up. Yes, I know you have to actually memorize, understand (more or less), and utter multiple pages of dialogue within an ever-shrinking time-format (oh... the endless strings of commercials--which is not your fault), but that's your job. All this whispering-hissing-sputtering-muttering is making me crazy. I have to turn on my closed captioning to just understand what the heck you're trying to push out of your mouths. Often these days, I have to use the dvr and back things up because I can't make out all the hissmuttering. And believe me, I want to take the blame, to say I'm a distracted viewer, I'm just not paying close attention, or I'm reaching the (cough) age where hearing becomes an issue.

But I got my hearing tested earlier this year, and it turns out my hearing is (and I quote) "perfect." So it's you. Do at least that part of your job better, OK? Heck, at your pay grade, I don't care if you have to spend all morning doing tongue-twisters, vocal warm-ups, working with a coach, reciting with marbles or bites of apple in your mouth, or whatever, just to get better at . . .

Actually
Speaking
Words

It's the most important part of your performance and you are blowing it.

And I don't care if Kyra Sedgwick does it. Her character is supposed to be annoying because of her speech patterns. Annie Walker and Mary Shannon are supposed to be interesting and unusual people. Their character quirks and traits are written into the script, so get with the thought process, and stop scotch-taping it to the exterior.

Mary, please pull back the manic eyeball hissy-fit thing. Your character is supposed to be tough and smart, with a few very interesting emotional blind spots that lead to stupid behavior in her personal life--behaviors I can't really believe you have understood/internalized. And Piper, please realize your voice is wonderful, you don't have to jut your jaw, pucker your mouth, and moon your eyes constantly. Stop trying so hard. Please.

And here's a final thought: do more research on the things your characters actually, you know, DO for a living, and maybe you'll care more, believe it more, and in turn, make the rest of us believe.

 ----------------
*For those who mentally confuse actors with the characters they play, I have no advice, other than Read A Book (or five), and then Read A Play (or ten) and then quiz yourself. Better yet, just use Google or Wikipedia if you haven't figured out yet that Hargitay's not a real cop, and Alexander's not a real pathologist.

Dear Big Lots and Other Stores who Spam Me

You spammed my inbox, even after I told your store cashier in clear, specific words:

I.
Don't.
Want.
Spam.
Do.
Not.
Spam.
Me.

If your salesclerks don't know what "Spam" is, tell them.

And while you're at it, take back your stupid card that does not mean anything more than you are invading my privacy.

I am sorry now that I felt sorry for the overworked, haggard, tired woman behind the counter who seemed pressured to push the stupid card in my face.

I went to your web site and "unsubscribed" (ten minutes of my life I won't get back).

One more spam, and you are fired.

Dear Speedy's Gast Station in St. Joe, MO

I'm happy to say your personnel and your company were SO KIND to me yesterday when I was caught in the blizzard! The traffic was heavy, and the road conditions got worse and worse, until I almost got stuck on the Mitchell road hill. Just in time, I remembered that your station on Riverside Road, with the big parking lot and warm convenience store was just around the corner.

I parked in your lot, and the nice people in the store said it was OK to leave my rwd truck there, while my friend came and rescued me in his 4wd truck.

THANK YOU for being such a nice bunch of people! It made my day (which was a pretty scary day!)

My truck was safe and sound when I came back for it this afternoon, and I will definitely become a regular customer!

Dear Comedy Central

If you broadcast a comedy special in which the comedian's every other word has only four letters, here is what the audience gets:

"So really, I'm at the BEEEEEEEEP dentist's office, and the BEEEEEEEP is BEEEEEEEEEP, and so woman says why you always gotta say BEEEEEEP? And I'm like, hey, you don't wanna BEEEEEEEP hear me say BEEEEEEEP then you can just BEEEEEEEP go to BEEEEEEEP..."

The result is threefold:

• Annoying
• Incomprehensible
• Not funny

I expect comedians to occasionally annoy me. But if I can't even figure out what they are saying, then your hour long comedy special
is
    not
         funny.

Fix it.
http://comedians.jokes.com/louis-c-k-/

Dear Men Over 40 on Dating Sites

I have begun a series of tutorials. Here is the first installment.

Dear Google

THANK YOU for putting a 'google instant' on/off toggle on the home search page! I've been gagging for weeks, because the instant thing is NOT instant. It was maybe a "cool" idea, but made my searches slow, cumbersome, and beyond WRONG. Really, really wrong. Instant just couldn't keep up, and I'm not that fast a typist.

Your big reward for accommodating usability over geekminded 'coolness' is that I will continue to use Google as my home base for every browser I use -- and I use Google's search engines in front of many people throughout my workday as a college educator! (Talk about your free advertising)

Of course, I also use Firefox and OpenOffice as much as I can, too.

Google gets a cookie. Have a nice weekend!

Dear Office Depot

You really need to pay attention to how your people treat customers. Today I was shopping in our local Office Depot store when some kind of alarm went off. It was a loud, ear-slashing, painful squeal that just went on and on. One of the employees, possibly an assistant manager of some kind, sauntered slowly out of a back room, saw me holding my ears in pain, and smiled a "sorry about that," but he did nothing about it.

The noise dug into my head and just as I was about to drop the box of 100 manila folders I'd come to buy and run for the exit, the noise stopped, leaving me with a crashing headache and the urge to see if my ears were bleeding.

At the checkout counter, I commented that I was still trying to recover from the obnoxious noise, and the trainee cashier  laughed, then had the nerve to ask me stupid questions about 'membership' and my zip code. I just said "I have no idea. Just ring this up. I just want to leave."

As I headed for my car, I silently chided myself (my ears were too raw for anything other than silence and the mellow, now quiet-seeming drone of rush hour traffic). I should have had a spine. I should have been brave.

I should have gone back inside, asked for a manager, and said, "You know, I totally understand that sometimes alarms get tripped. But to let that ear-torturing noise harm your customers, make them uncomfortable to the point that I was holding my ears and my eyes were watering right in front of your workers is just crappy behavior.

I'm a good person and I try not to let bad things happen on my watch at work. If they do, I don't shrug it off with a 'sorry' or laugh at people who are visibly in distress.

A truly classy establishment would have given me two things:
1. my $7 box of manila folders on the house
2. an apologetic reassurance that the screaming skull-cracking alarm would be fixed, or at least turned off promptly when customers are cowering in the store aisles, looking for the nearest exit.

That's all. Grow up and treat people right. This town isn't that big: word gets out.

September 11, 2010

Dear Planet Earth:

Today is September 11. The only appropriate thing for anyone to say to America today is "I'm so sorry for your loss." Anything else would just be tacky, wrong, and unforgotten.

That publicity-grubbing christian minister can burn your sacred book or not. He doesn't matter. History is full of burnt stuff. Vikings burned bibles, Arabs burned Torahs, Christians burned everything in sight. Atheists mostly burn marshmallows and wish the others would CALM DOWN.

On NPR the other day, an interviewer said 48% of Americans view Islam negatively. That's roughly 150 million citizens of the richest, most powerful nation in the world thinking that individuals who subscribe to that system of belief are Not Good People. I know they are wrong, you know they are wrong, we all know that Islam is not responsible for any more pain and suffering in the world than any other religion. Yet a group of nasty, opium-addled, immature, stupid, ignorant, black-hearted men -- YES, they were MEN, not women -- slew more innocent American civilians than we could have ever imagined dying from any man-made weapon other than a nuclear attack.

My sentences are strained. My heart is strained. Nine years ago, I mostly held my tongue. I did my job. I told my students to just keep an eye on their government if we went to war--truth is the first casualty in war. I said all the right things, and I did all the right things, and I only took ONE lousy day off work to cry miserably into my pillow for dead and suffering people whom I did not know.

I never told the world how angry and bitter I was -- and still am.

Americans are kind. We are fair. We truly believe in equality and justice, even if we screw it up a lot. The difference -- the primary difference between terror-mongers and Americans is this: We believe in good for all.

Even if we don't always get it right, even if we do bad things, even if we screw up and stumble, and get tired and a little too arrogant or smug for our own good, we still believe. We try. We work very hard so that all of us can be safe and have decent lives and behave with dignity in the world.

So here's my advice. Quit bitching and do some good, and spread that idea as strongly as you can.

We can all do better, but at least America knows this and keeps on trying, keeps on believing.

If you give up on that, we'll be watching you. So if you're thinking that death and blood are answers to anything you hate, grow up and get wise. For even if our dignitaries and top officials say smooth and peaceful things to you, even if they give you money and ask you nicely not to turn weapons on innocent people, the rest of us do not forget. There are a lot of us, we are literate, smart, ambitious, and protective of our own. We take names.

America remembers.

Dog Lovers vs. Michael Vick

Dear NFL Players:

I very much enjoyed the preseason Chiefs v. Eagles game at Arrowhead Stadium last night. Fun place, nice crowd. The only really jarring moment was when the announcer reminded me that Michael Vick, Mister "I'll strangle a dog for a buck--or just for the heck of it," was on the field.

If some of the players and fans have forgotten (oh, how fast Americans forget things they don't like to face), you can review the aftermath of his participation in one of the bloodiest, most abusive pastimes in the world:
"Dogtown: Saving the Michal Vick Dogs" (National Geographic Channel, avail. on Hulu)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/158422/dogtown-saving-the-michael-vick-dogs

Now, I would never ever condone random violence against any of the universe's creatures.

But if one (or more) of you NFL players who are also true animal lovers were to accidentally do on the field to Vick what he did to some of those poor dogs, well . . .

I'd probably let my dog send you a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers.

That's all! Have a good season (all of you except the nasty animal abusers -- you know who you are).

Dear Sears

You need to get serious with your stores and actually stock what you're trying to sell.

No, seriously. You blew it, you lost the sale, and here's why:

1. Your store in my town puts very expensive items on its sales floor, but tells customers "Sorry, we don't have that in stock." The mower I chose was not in stock, and for some bizarre reason you would not sell me the floor model. 
2. I asked for a rain check, to get the same price when the sales person told me they would be in stock "in a week or two." The sales clerk took my name and contact information. On a scrap of paper. 
3. Which did not surprise me, since she was barely, minimally competent, showed no enthusiasm whatsoever when I expressed more interest in the new models than the used 'returned' machines parked on the sidewalk outside the store.
4. Not only that, her mouth kept saying, "Uh, yeah, that's a good mower. They're all good," while her face was saying, "Please just go away, I have no interest in selling this crap."
5. When I finally chose a fairly high-end self-propelled mower, saying "Wrap it up, I'll take it," she said, "Oh, okay, ummmm... I'll go back and see if we have that one..." (WTF???! Don't your employees know what they are doing at ALL?)
6. I had even brought friends to help me shop and load/unload the machine into my truck. They were NOT impressed with your store or the personnel, so you've lost two rather wealthy local residents as customers in the future.
7. Needless to say, I was never contacted, and made the decision not to ever shop at your store for a high-end item (for me, 'high-end' means over $300...so possibly you don't care).
8. Another local resident told me he and his wife had the same exact experience at your store--they bought the really expensive washer and dryer set you didn't have in stock from LOWE'S.
9. Come to think of it, Lowe's has every appliance and motorized lawn care product you have, only they really do know how to serve customers, deliver, install... well, you get what I mean.

Here's my advice (and it's worth every penny you've paid for it). Either get your store into shape, or you're out of our town.

And come to think of it . . . we probably won't notice if your store leaves--except for the big UGLY SPACE it hogs up in our little mall (it looks OK from the outside, but inside it looks like a sad, understocked outlet store).

In this economy, I think you need to make a better effort. Sell products your people can believe in, and make sure you stock what you show.

American Idol

PART I

Dear Randy, Cara, Simon, and Ellen,

One reason the show is getting so squirmy, uncomfortable, and stale is you've got these kids singing old top-40 tunes recorded before they were born. These songs were mildewed and worn out long before Fox got permission to use them.

Here's an idea: Theme your nights on something fun and interesting. Baliwood. Celtic pop. Reggae. acapella harmonies. Rap. Grunge.

Anything but the yawners they've been singing.

PART II

Dear Idol Contestants:

Simon calls it the "moment" or the "it factor" -- it's really not a mystery to get that star quality mojo happening when you are performing. The secret is to GET OVER YOURSELF. You are performing because people want to be entertained, they want to be taken away from mundane life. They want to feel something, to experience the song. It's not about YOU. It's about the music, and unless you can be like Crystal or Casey (they both seem to understand it's about the music and the art, not their own egos/attention), you'll never have it.

Good luck!

Health Care

Dear Republican office holders,
Before digging your heels in, screeching about how single payer health care would take your freedom away, let me remind you: No One is talking about making your private health care illegal or anything. You really need to talk with people who have lived for extended periods of time with no health insurance (FYI -- I have been there myself).

• You need to hear what it's like to wake up in the night with a fever and pray that it's nothing serious.
• You need to hear what it's like to fall and sprain your ankle, wrap it up and hope that nothing's broken.
• You need to hear what it's like to have an asthma attack and hope that pharmacist on the corner will (once again) sell you a rescue inhaler, even though you have no prescription.

Other countries have managed to care for their most important resource -- the people. Why is America lagging and failing in the health care arena? Do you really want to go down in history as the legislators who couldn't drop the backward bottom-line mentality and care about working class Americans? You really need to wake up, smell some serious coffee, and drag yourselves into the 21st Century.